When Someone You Love Has PTSD

Watching someone you love suffer with PTSD is deeply sad and painful. It can make you feel powerless, confused, and frustrated with your loved one and with yourself. You want so much to help yet it seems like everything you do or say is wrong somehow. All of this is extremely tough on any relationship. PTSD, like any other mental health issue, can cause an ever-widening wedge between two people that may not be repairable.

What is PTSD?

The most important thing to understand is that having PTSD isn’t a choice; he or she can’t simply “snap out of it.” PTSD is a complex mental health disorder characterized by feelings of intense fear, panic attacks, mistrust, and sometimes sudden, explosive fits of anger following a traumatic experience(s). Their brains are in a constant state of alert, which means they always feel as if they have to be “on guard” against danger, even if the danger isn’t actually present in the current time.

People with PTSD often find themselves avoiding crowds, loud noises, and all situations that remind them of a traumatic experience. Many have terrifying nightmares and flashbacks that seem very real. In addition, many struggle with depression and engage in numbing behavior such as excessive alcohol or drug use, gambling, or other risky behavior. Over time, all of this results in increasing isolation and significant personality changes.

What you can do today to help

The first thing to do is remain as calm as you can, especially if he or she is becoming agitated or angry. Using a quiet tone of voice is helpful as is giving the person a lot of physical space. Listen but don’t pressure him or her to talk if they don’t want to. Instead, let them have control over the conversation, which includes stopping it.

Don’t try to change him or her as this is likely to backfire. Instead, encourage your loved one to engage in previously enjoyable activities alone or with you. When there is a time when both of you are reasonably calm and rested, tell him or her how you feel using “I” statements. Avoid using “you” as this is likely to prompt a defensive response. Here’s an example: “Honey, when there is yelling and door slamming, I feel unsafe and worried. I’ve noticed that this has been happening more often lately. I want to help but I don’t know how. Would you consider going to see a therapist together so we can start figuring this out?”

Another thing you can do is get yourself educated about PTSD. There is a lot of great information out there but there’s also a lot of misinformation. Here are a few good websites with accurate information:

US Department of Veterans Affairs

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

National Institute of Mental Health

You need support, too

Find yourself a therapist with experience in treating PTSD and working with partners of those with PTSD. It is immensely helpful to have a safe space in which to express feelings without being judged or worried about the response. Your therapist can also give you a lot of additional coping strategies for managing the stress you’re likely dealing with. Going to a support group with others who are in your shoes may be helpful as well.

Some things to avoid

·     Taking it personally

·     Losing your temper

·     Cutting him or her off when they try to talk about their experience(s)

·     Minimizing his or her experience(s)

·     Giving him or her unsolicited advice

·     Trying to force him or her to go to therapy

·     Touching or hugging without asking first

For more information, check out my PTSD Treatment page.