Most of us remember Lady Gaga’s ginormous hit, “Bad Romance”, which came out in 2009. In it, she so eloquently described what’s it’s like to be in an unhealthy or toxic relationship with another person, feeling torn between feeling like you can’t live with them or without them. It can be a frightening and confusing place to be.
Relationship patterns repeat themselves
The thing about relationships is that we tend to repeat the same kind we experienced early in life, often with parents, over and over again throughout our adult lives. If you were lucky and those early relationships were healthy, you subconsciously look for more of those as you grew up. Many of us weren’t that lucky though. If you’re in that camp, you keep finding yourself in the same bad place with the same kind of toxic person over and over. You may feel inexplicably drawn to him or her yet also feel angry, hurt, ashamed, and confused both by what is done to you and how you react to it.
Toxic relationship defined
A toxic relationship is the opposite of a healthy one. Sounds simple, right? It’s not for many people, especially those with trauma histories. It’s really hard to know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like if you’ve never had one. Basically, a toxic relationship is one in which your basic human rights are routinely violated, boundaries are crossed, and you have little to no power or control in the relationship. If anything goes “wrong” and either you or they are unhappy, it’s all blamed on you and eventually, you come to believe that it’s all your fault. As time goes on, you gradually lose your sense of identity apart from the other person.
Toxic relationships don't just happen with romantic partners. They can happen at work with your boss or co-workers, roommate, best friend, adult children, or parents. The abuse or exploitation that occurs in all toxic relationships, regardless of what form(s) it takes, is never present in the beginning as the other person has his or her “best foot” forward. This is also called the “honeymoon” period. During this time, the abuser apologizes and promises never to do it again and the abuser tends to minimize the severity of the abuse. This is followed by the “calm” phase during which the abuse slows down or stops. Both people are seemingly happy and there may be much love and tenderness expressed. Both often believe that the abuse is over as the abuser has changed. Then, the tension begins building again, which is characterized by the abuser getting angry again and the victim feeling very uneasy and trying very hard to calm the abuser down. Finally, the “acting out” phase happens in which the abuser hurts the victim once again.
Not all toxic relationships include physical violence but many do
Relationship violence can take many forms, as mentioned earlier, some of which may surprise you. The Power/Control Wheel very clearly illustrates this. Physical abuse or violence is the most obvious one, which means putting hands on another person without their consent, regardless of whether or not it leaves a mark or bruise. Emotional and verbal abuse often includes making threats, coercion, intimidation, name calling, and put downs. Financial/economic abuse occurs when one partner controls all the money and spending decisions in the relationship or prevents the other partner from getting or keeping a job. In addition, abusive partners gradually isolate their partners so that they don’t have any social support that might help them leave the relationship.
Men are victims, too
Abuse is an equal opportunity problem. It crosses all lines of social class, age, race, education, and gender identity. Men who are being victimized by their partners often feel intense shame, especially if the abuser is female. Men deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, just as all people do. Abuse and exploitation have no place in any healthy relationship.
You have the right to:
1. Privacy, both online and off.
2. Feel safe and respected.
3. Decide who you want to date or not date.
4. Choose when, if, with whom and how you have sex.
5. Say "no" at any time (to drugs, sex, alcohol, relationship), even if you've said "yes" before.
6. Hang out with friends and family and do the things you enjoy without your partner controlling you.
7. End any relationship that isn't right or healthy for you.
8. Live free of violence and abuse.
Abuse Resources
If you're in a toxic relationship, know that you are not alone, you don't have to live with it, and you can escape. If you are not safe or are in a crisis, please call 911 or one of the hotlines above for help. If you’re feeling anxious and would like more information on anxiety, check out my Anxiety Treatment page.
